Art of saying no

Swami Vivekananda had said that everyone has good intentions and every action begins with a good intention. All of us crave to be recognised as good and nice people. Sometimes we put ourselves in trouble or inconvenience because of this. In order to please people, some of us tend to say yes for everything. Even if we disagree with someone, we pretend to agree so as to not hurt the speaker. Similarly, when we are asked to do something, we find it hard to refuse.

I remember when I was a youngster; a few of my 'friends' tried to cajole me into smoking my first puff. Thanks to fear of my mother, I managed to say no to smoking despite a huge pressure on me. If I had succumbed to their persistent efforts, I might have ended up being addicted to this and spoilt my health in the bargain. Yet, there have been times when I found it difficult to take an opposite view. Fear of peers, bosses and significant others getting upset with a refusal is a very strong reason why we tend to say yes quickly.

The ability to say no is an important and useful trait. What also matters is how we say no. One has to be tactful and refuse without appearing hesitant. The ability to put across our refusal along with a proper reason for it would usually do. In fact, before we agree or disagree, it would make sense to think through. Giving an impromptu response is best avoided unless one is already thought about it and taken a decision.

Contrary to what some of us believe, people do not hate us for saying no. Many people appreciate our confidence and honesty. Rather than saying yes and not honouring our commitment by giving last minute excuses, it is much better to say no and stick to it. The intention of this blog is not to encourage readers to say no every time to everyone. The idea being conveyed is that, occasionally and when appropriate, we should be willing to politely decline without any feelings of guilt or fear lingering in our minds.

Sharpening the saw

As a young boy, it was my dream to finish education soon and start working. School seemed so boring and people who are working seemed to really enjoy themselves. I suppose each one of us goes through such thoughts. When I went for my first interview, I realised how little I knew. Whatever I had learnt and prepared for, were not the subjects discussed in the interview!! In the various jobs that I have worked in, I understood that unless one is abreast of the developments in ones field, one gets left behind in the career.

There is a story of a woodcutter who thought he can become more productive if he cuts trees non-stop. After a few days, he knew that it is necessary to sharpen the saw in order to become more efficient. This is true for all of us irrespective of what is our chosen goal. We need to keep learning and sharpening the saw.

There are very few gifted people with razor sharp memories who remember everything that they have learnt. For the vast majority of us, we remember the broad concepts and forget the details over time. Therefore, it becomes necessary to brush up and re-learn whatever we have already learnt from time to time. One way to do this is to involve the concepts in our day to day work. That way we stay in touch. The other methods are to take time to read, discuss, think and teach about the subject of our interest.

Besides the above, it is also important to learn about the new developments in our chosen field. Books, Magazines, Journals, Internet etc. provide rich information about the changes. One should cultivate the habit of being in touch with the subject and learn new skills. Our ability to talk with confidence on our subject and hold the interest of our audience is enhanced if we are obsessed with learning. Never stop learning.

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

“Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other” - John F Kennedy

Learning is weightless, a treasure you can always carry easily - Chinese Proverb

Practice makes us perfect

Lord Krishna, while answering Arjuna's question on how to control the mind, tells him in Bhagvad Geeta that, although mind control is indeed very difficult, it can be achieved through Abhayasa Yoga (constant practice). We can draw an inference from here that any task can be accomplished if we are sincere and serious about it and practice it.

Every task looks difficult in the beginning. When I began learning driving, I found it very difficult to coordinate the hand, feet and eyes. If I had to change the gear, I would look down and the vehicle would move dangerously to the other side of the road !! With continuous practice, I became an expert driver. Likewise, when we attempt anything new, it seems like a complicated task. That should not deter us. It should rather make us more determined. As we repeatedly practice and perform it, we become masters at it.

I once heard some one saying that for every task there are four stages. The first stage is one of unconscious incompetence - when we don’t know that we are not competent. If we have not tried to do something, we may not know that we don't know. The next stage is conscious incompetence - when we discover that we are incompetent. After practice, we move into a stage of conscious competence - when we are good at doing something.

The fourth stage is the most interesting - when something becomes second nature to us. We can do it without making any conscious effort. It is like sub-consciously chanting your prayers without paying attention and the mind wandering somewhere else. After some time, we discover that we have finished chanting but the satisfaction that comes from having the consciousness is missing. It will be good if we can restrain ourselves from moving into the fourth stage.

" When you are not practicing, remember, someone somewhere is practicing, and when you meet him he will win "- Ed Macauley

"I am not afraid of a fighter who knows thousand different types of kicks, but I am afraid of one who has practiced a kick thousands of times" - Bruce Lee

"Living a life of values becomes easy if we continuously practice it with determination" - Vishwanath Seshadri

Beauty in modesty

According to a popular saying in Tamil, a woman's real beauty lies in her modesty. I think that modesty as a characteristic makes everyone attractive and appealing. People possessing this trait feel no need to publicize their beauty or accomplishments. They typically seek to underplay things and prefer to let their actions speak for themselves. Leaders do not talk about what is already done. Their minds are set on the next goal.

Contrast this with people who rush to stake their claim to everything. Their self disclosure becomes boring very soon. They have such a low self esteem that they want a constant reinforcement for themselves. Even if they have no talent or have not actively contributed, they would love to be claim credit for every achievement. Most of their sentences begins with "I".

People normally do have a view about each other. They know who is capable and competent and who is not. They know each others abilities and character. No one forms a view based on our respective claim to fame. In such circumstances, isn't it better to be humble and silent about ourselves? Do we achieve anything by talking about ourselves? When someone boasts of a certain trait, it could provoke people to dismiss it or attempt to disprove it.

When other people discover our beauty, talent or traits by observation, they will automatically appreciate us and even inform others in passing. By not disclosing it ourselves, we are giving others a chance to talk about it which makes it far more credible. After all, true beauty cannot remain hidden for long, can it ?

"It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels" – St Augustine

"Your greatness is measured by your kindness; your education and intellect by your modesty; your ignorance is betrayed by your suspicions and prejudices, and your real caliber is measured by the consideration and tolerance you have for others." - William Boetcker

"Only an attitude of mind free from egoism, ostentation and attachment can be called humility." - Sri Satya Sai Baba

Silence ushers peace

We live in a fast paced activity packed world. Everyone seems to be in a tearing hurry and wants to achieve much in a short time frame. It is a age of "instant" everything. This is especially true for urban and developed centers. For instance, I have seen people commuting in public transportation, listening to their music system and reading some magazine and texting messages at the same time.

When we tax and push our brains to the limit in this manner, it leaves us dizzy and stressed. We are overcome with fatigue but we fight it off with some medication. In the hope of living life to the fullest, we end up with health issues affecting body and mind. In such situations, is it a wonder that we become irritable and with low tolerance levels ?

Mahatma Gandhi used to observe silence one day a week. On such days, he would avoid verbal communication and used to write if there was a dire need. In silence, his entire system would slow down. This is like a combination of meditation and fasting. It gave him huge strength and courage to face the challenges of the world. Yet, it made him peaceful, calm and controlled. There is a free 10 day course on Vipassana Meditation, available in India and few other countries, which uses silence very effectively.

When we practice silence, we are really going deeply inwards. Our other senses get enhanced and we absorb much more. We start observing our thoughts as they arise without feeling the urge to do anything about it. When we practice silence, we learn to accept things as they are without being reactive. Silence is the process through which we communicate to God.

“In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after truth.” - Mahatma Gandhi

"It is better to be silent and be considered a genius, than speaking aloud and disclosing our ignorance" - Vishwanath Seshadri

Tolerance makes us strong

When we see an unacceptable behaviour, we typically begin to get hot under the collar. We lose our patience and begin to fume. Depending on the level of irritation and the situation, we may get provoked to speak out our minds and even take other forms of action. Taking the initiative to make a change is good. It indicates courage and a spirit of bravado. I am reminded of many revolutionary freedom movements which were successful due to this.

However, intolerance is good only in certain situations. If this becomes our second nature, it could lead serious consequences and breakup of relationships. I have seen people priding themselves in being intolerant. They make statements like “I just can’t tolerate this” or “I have tolerated this for too long”. There are many situations where tolerance is a virtue and makes us stronger.

The key requirements for tolerance are patience, maturity and a broad mind. Instead of being reactive, if we become “reflective”, it will help us see things with a wider perspective. Viewed with a long term perspective, small irritants seem insignificant. We learn to take things lightly and overlook them. In children, we see high levels of tolerance as they do not have high expectations and they have the knack of acceptance.

With tolerance, we gain control over ourselves. People who have control over themselves are strong indeed and have the magnetism to be able to control others. When we are tolerant, people get a sense of comfort dealing with us. Our relationship network expands and so does our ability to influence others.

“Until you have learned to be tolerant with those who do not always agree with you, you will be neither successful nor happy” - Napoleon Hill

"The highest result of education is tolerance." - Helen Keller

“He that can't endure the bad will not live to see the good.” Yiddish Proverb

“In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is one’s best teacher” - Anonymous

Be clean

Everyone will readily agree with the title. After all, we have learnt while still as kids that "Cleanliness is next only to Godliness". A question to address ourselves would be in order here. Do we practice what we know ? If we do a mental audit of all our activities, will we get a reasonably high score ?

In India, it is a tradition not to wear footwear inside the house. As soon as we come back home, we need to wash our hands and legs before doing anything. Similarly, there are cleanliness rules for other occasions. Thanks to the influence of various cultural invasions into the country, many of our healthy practices are getting replaced by "modern" practices.

When we think of cleanliness, we should not just restrict it to ourselves. We need to keep our homes and surroundings clean too. It cannot be ignored under the presumption that it is someone else's responsibility. It can be clearly seen that the spread of various contagious diseases is contained if we keep ourselves and our environment hygienic.

Most importantly, we need to watch our minds too. Do we have clean thoughts? When we do get unclean thoughts, do we take the efforts to purify our minds? Are we obsessed with the desire to be clean? If we are, we can be rest assured that our lives will be healthy and happy. And by watching us, others will also get influenced to do likewise.

Lets resolve now to enhance the cleanliness in our lives.

"Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world." - George Bernard Shaw

"You make the world a better place by making yourself a better person."- Scott Sorrell

A question of confidence

Very often motivational speakers and writers exhort people to live life with high self-confidence (HSC). They tell people that if you have HSC, you can achieve anything. Your credibility and charisma get enhanced when you have that attitude of HSC. Your communication becomes stronger and people tend to trust those who have HSC. Perhaps, I too have covered this in an earlier blog.

As children, we have often received contrary communication and advice. Our parents, elders and teachers have told us not to get over confident (OC). They tell us, especially before tests and exams, that we need to prepare well and keep revising our studies without becoming OC. If we are OC, we tend to become negligent and casual and it may reflect poorly on our results. As adults, we are told this more subtly in order not to offend us.

Both views are correct. When there is a question of what level of confidence is right, there is no right answer. If our standards are too high, we might become too critical and start having self doubts. Our nervousness is a sure indicator of disaster lying ahead. Likewise, if our standards are low, we might start taking things for granted. This creates an impression of arrogance or nonchalance leading to a different set of negative results. One has to be balanced and moderate while evaluating oneself.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life the laws of the universe will be simpler" - Thoreau

"If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,' then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced" - Vincent Van Gogh

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" – Eleanor Roosevelt

"I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time.” – Anna Freud

Admit your mistakes

Many years ago I had read a story which made a deep impression on me. It was about a group of boys who, whilst playing a game of cricket, had broken the window of a neighbour. While most of the kids ran away in fear, there was one brave lad who stood his ground and, when the neighbour came, took ownership for the accident. The neighbour, pleasantly surprised at the boy's honesty, forgave him. It was a powerful story which talked about courage, honesty etc.

How many of us behave in that manner? How many of us have the boldness to acknowledge mistakes that we, as humans, sometimes commit? What is the point in pretending to be super-humans or perfect beings incapable of committing any error? When we admit to an error, we are not only being honest but are also making an unspoken promise to be more careful in the future. This is quite similar to the intention of confessing our sins in church. People start trusting those who have this quality in them.

Some people presume that denial is the best method. It gives them a feeling of ego boost, because they have not admitted any mistake. In reality, they cut a sorry figure in front of others when denying mistakes. There are some people who, when confronted, will start making counter allegations to divert attention. Alternatively, they will go to great lengths to defend their positions. They convince no one but, perhaps, themselves in the process.

The first step towards any progress is acceptance. We can make a move to a better position only when we agree that our current position is weak. If we feel everything we do is "perfect", we begin to stagnate. When we adamantly deny, we risk getting isolated. The choice is, therefore, very clear. Avoid making mistakes and if you do make it, accept it and move on.

What do you say?

"To err is human, to admit is super human" - Doug Larson

"I'd rather confess I'm wrong and be right, than claim I'm right and be wrong" - Maria Fontaine

To serve with love

Many of us know that our ego is the root cause of our problems. Our ego manifests itself as an association of ourselves with our body. Due to this, we develop selfishness and pander to our body and everyone associated with it. “I” and “my” become the most important things for us. This gives rise to feelings of joy and disappointment.

Is it possible to live without ego? As long as we exist within this body, some level of ego is necessary as we have to sustain the body. Otherwise, we may ignore feeding and taking care of our bodies leading to death. Only highly realized persons can be in that state. The ego creates problem only when it is beyond a certain limit.

What is the way to control the ego? Wise saints have recommended many methods of controlling the ego, one of which is covered in this article. If we see the same “self” that is in us, in others too, we have taken a huge step towards controlling the ego. When we treat others just as we treat ourselves, we have begun to rise above our ego. The first step therefore is to serve others selflessly.

Most people work with an expectation of reward. An act of service is one where we do not expect a reward. We serve others with love and affection. We get pleasure in the act of service itself. Images of Mother Teresa and Mata Amritanandamayi comes to mind. One can start this in a small way within ones family by serving the elders. Then one can look for ways of serving our neighbours and community. This spirit can thus be cultivated over time to cover the society at large.

As we keep serving others and get immersed in the joy of service, we begin to contract and control our ego.

“Selfless service is the ideal to be aimed at” - Sri Satya Sai Baba

“We are prone to judge success by the index of our salaries or the size of our automobile rather than by the quality of our service and relationship to mankind” - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

No one’s head aches when he is comforting another - Indian Proverb

I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted, and behold, service was joy.” - Rabindranath Tagore