Keep in Touch !!

One of my dear friends and ex-colleague has this lovely mantra for building and enhancing relationships. He keeps in touch (KIT) with all the people who matter to him. I strongly suspect that he has a calendar for doing this and helping him to remember. KIT is a wonderful way to telling people that you care for them and that you value their relationship. The only investment needed for doing this is your time.

One can KIT with people in many different ways. Starting from text messages to mails ("forwards" also count but it cant be the only method) to telephone calls to visits. Whether it is for pure friendship or for official or a commercial relationship, KIT works wonders. Whenever an opportunity comes up, the first name that comes to mind is the person who has been in touch with us. At the sub-conscious level we have deep appreciation for the person who practices KIT with us because he is giving us importance.

Care should be taken, however, not to overdo it. We cannot impose ourselves on others at all times in the pretext of "KIT".. We should be sensitive to the other persons need for private time and should be able to sense it based on body language, response levels etc.

Each of us should have a list (physical or mental list) of people whose relationship is critical for us. Till this becomes a habit and part of our nature, we may want to use tools like a calendar / reminder system to KIT. We should have a list of important dates / events in the lives of such people which we should use to make our communication more personalised (like a birthday / anniversary greeting). Once this becomes hard coded in our behaviour, we will also become like my friend who enjoys a special standing and status in his relationships.

Communication is to a relationship, what breathing is to the living – Virginia Satir

Speak Well of Others !!

When we think about others, what kind of thoughts comes to us ? Do we remember their good aspects or do we remember their faults ? Are we reminded of the times when they have been kind, helpful and nice or do our minds dwell on the times when they have erred, sinned or been cruel. It is important for us to watch what we think for these become our nature.

When we think good things about others, we feel good and release positive thoughts about them. We also tend to speak good about them when we get the opportunity. We gloss over their positive points and choose to ignore blemishes, if any. By doing this, we are not being imbalanced or unfair. We are consciously choosing to focus on the strengths of the individual because this is what we want that individual to develop and become known for.

What happens when we thus harbour positive feelings and thoughts about others ? When we speak positive about them in their presence as well as in absence ? Firstly, we end up encouraging and motivating the person and make her feel good about herself. Secondly, she gets positive vibes about us and responds likewise. Together we end up creating a positive spiral for each other.

Whatever we speak behind peoples back is especially important. Sometimes people tend to spite others behind their back thinking that it does not matter and the other person will not know. Invariably, however, the message tends to reach the individual. And this sets into motion a negative spiral for the relationship.

So, Always speak well of Others...

When one speaks about the sins of others, he gets an equal share of the sin committed - Hindu Scriptures

Follow Rules !!

When pre-historic man lived in the wilderness there were no rules. Only the natural rules of "survival of the fittest" were prevalent. So, the stronger, younger and faster you were, greater were the chances of your survival. As man evolved, he discovered that he had a brain power which made him smarter and hence could make up for physical deficiencies.

He quickly used this to develop a language for communication, created tools to support himself, organised community living and formed rules. These rules were formed to ensure justice, orderliness and discipline. As the original in-habitations became villages, towns and cities and organisations within them, the number of rules increased - and so did the complexities.

When we look at rules of any kind, the first thought that should come to our minds is that the rules were formed for us and not against us. By following rules, we are making our own lives simpler and better. By breaking them, we run the risk of taking the society backwards and into anarchy and chaos.

We have every right to seek changes in the rules if they are found to be inadequate or unjust. We can create new rules, by following the right process, for new situations. In no circumstance, however, should we break rules or encourage or allow for breaking of rules. When we follow rules, we may look like robots, but that is the price we have to pay for comfortable and secure living. If everyone in our society was following rules, it would be a much better place to live.

Do you agree ?

Attitude decides Altitude !!

We see all kinds of people in our daily lives - some living very successful and happy lives while some struggling with a mediocre life. The successful ones seem to be full of energy and enthusiasm and generally always charged up. The other kind of guys we find to be grim, upset, stressed etc. The question that always comes in my mind is whether the attitude is the result of the circumstances or vice versa.

After observing a lot of people very closely I discovered that there are some who have a "never say die" spirit in them. They put up with failures with a brave face and look forward to the future with high expectations. They seem to be the eternal optimists who always have a positive outlook and self confidence. They expect the future to be better and work towards making it happen. They are like the "Bulls" in the stock market always pushing the prices up !!

There are also other types who have a pessimistic outlook. Perhaps, their own experience and background leads them to think this way. They are generally wary of what lurks around the corner, wear a suspicious outlook, are worried about what can and will go wrong etc. They anticipate problems so much that sometimes they go about creating it. Whenever things do go wrong, as they sometimes will, these guys would turn around and say "I told you so".

My own take on this is that, by being positive we are enjoying the present. We neither lament on the failures of the past nor do we get overwhelmed about the possible disasters of the future. We are not reckless but take due precautions where necessary. We charge the environment around us with positive energy. We end up attracting others towards us as well as becoming attractive in the eyes of the others. We attract and gain success by our positive attitude.

Truly, it is our Attitude which decides our Altitude !!

"Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character" - Albert Einstein

Critics are Well Wishers !!

For a long part of my early life, I thought I did all the right things and that I was God's gift to mankind. Anyone who criticized me was labeled either a fool or a negative person. I did not bother to hear what the critic said and instead mentally defended myself and my actions. I also told myself that this person is criticizing me because he / she does not like me and enjoys hurting me.

Then I came across a concept that my critics are my well wishers in Robin Sharma’s blog. As I started to think about it, I realized that this is a very powerful insight. Why would anyone criticize me? Who would spend time and effort criticizing me? What would a person gain by criticizing me? Such questions led me to the understanding that only people who genuinely care for me will make the effort. People who have no relationship with me or who have nothing to gain by my evolution would look the other way when I made mistakes.

When I started reflecting on this insight, I realized that in my life, only my close family, friends, relatives, co-workers have given me criticism. Only those who had my best interest in mind pointed out my flaws and gave me tips on improvements. Only people who care about me will try or have tried to correct me and in the process help me evolve into a better person. Others had either been silent spectators or people who saw my weaknesses with glee.

As I realized this, I started appreciating each feedback and each input. I started focusing on the message and not on the messenger. As I appreciated this and acknowledged this, I became more aware and moved ahead in the evolution path. I made peace with others and with myself. I improved the quality of my relationship with others. However, I still retained the right to reject the message if I did not agree or had a rationale reason for my behavior.

The people and events that bug, anger and hurt you are the ideal educators to help you learn the lessons that will help you shine - at work, at home and in life - Robin Sharma

In the face of unjust criticism we can become bitter or better; upset or understanding; hostile or humble; furious or forgiving - William Arthur Ward

Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots. - Frank A. Clark

Father's Responsibilities

Today is father's day and much has been written by people on the responsibilities of the father. President Obama of U.S.A. says that any fool can become a father but being a real father means owning up responsibilities and "being there". I agree with him. A father's role in the child's development is significant. And it is more than just giving time to the child by being present when the child is growing up.

A father is a role model too. The way he behaves, acts and reacts, carries himself, interacts with others etc. are all watched by the child and imitated in many ways. The child is consciously and sub-consciously watching the father's actions and learning from it. If the father is calm and cool, so the child shall be. If the father is temperamental, the child thinks that this is normal behaviour and picks up cues from him. In rare cases, the child may reject negative behaviour and behave in a positive manner.

He gives a sense of security to the child in more ways than one. The child with a father to fall back on is a more confident and balanced child. The child grows up with a comfort that the father will protect and support the child at all times. The child also behaves with responsibility if there is a fear of retribution from a disciplinarian father.

In my view, the most important role of the father, besides being there, giving love and showing commitment and responsibility, is to inculcate values into the child. He is the first teacher to the child, after the mother, who gives the child the sense of values. He is the one who encourages good behaviour and prevents bad behaviour from becoming a habit. He constantly demonstrates to the child how to live life and how to face situations that life throws at us. He is ever watchful of the child and her progress. He is the one who shapes the child into becoming a useful and mature adult by giving her the values system that becomes hard coded into the child's DNA.

Fasting is a Virtue !!

Today is Ekadashi (the eleventh day of a lunar waning / waxing cycle) and Hindus believe it is a good day to fast. I have been fasting on every Ekadashi for several years. I had read about the spiritual benefits about fasting on this day and decided to attempt it. The Ekadashi fast is one where one abstains from eating & drinking the whole day and the ritual breaking of fast is conducted the next morning only. Having seen my mother fast regularly and survive comfortably, I knew that fasting is manageable.

As I started fasting, I realised that hunger pains comes in fixed points of time. Hunger is a reminder by your system to inform you that the time to feed has come. If, using mind control and strong resolve, you resist the temptation to pop something into your mouth, the feeling passes after some time. So, hunger becomes your slave rather than you coming under its control. It is great feeling to have mastered it. It is believed that if one can master the cravings of the tongue, one can master anything.

Besides improving our mind and making us more disciplined, fasting has many other benefits. Our human body is like a machine which is working non-stop. Even in factories, they have periodic servicing of the machines. If we give a break to our stomach, we are giving it much needed rest and help it in becoming more efficient. By fasting regularly, we facilitate our bodies to survive for a longer tenure. When we fast, we are experiencing hunger more acutely and therefore are able relate to other poor beings that are unable or cannot afford to eat regularly.

There are many ways of fasting. One can go on a liquid diet or one can go without salt or one can have liquids and fruits etc. One can fast for a whole day or for part of a day. One can choose a particular day in a week or fortnight or month to make this a regular practice. It is necessary not to overdo this and one should stay within limits. But as you start this practice, you will realise that there is a pleasure of forgoing and abstaining. And this is one pleasure that is a virtue!!

Stop complaining, Start appreciating

Have you come across some people who love to complain about anything and everything ? It could be about the weather, the noise, the pollution, their friends, acquaintances or relatives etc. etc. In short, virtually anything they experience becomes fresh material for complaining. Such people come across as eternally dissatisfied. They are the pessimists who see the glass as half full. They seem to get a superior feeling about themselves when they complain about others.

Such people will not spare even their near and dear ones. They seem to have a special eye for noticing weaknesses or mistakes and will not waste any time pointing it out. Some of them may be clever and crib only behind peoples backs while others who are more bold and blunt will be outspoken. There are some who are of a mixed kind who speak a few positive things but tend to focus on the downsides more than on the upsides.

Initially, we might enjoy the spectacle and feel that they are praising us by condemning others. Soon, however, we realise that a person who criticises others with us might be criticising us with others too. When we see such people, we naturally get put off and want to move away. Their negative thoughts and vibes sap our energy and leaves us with a bad taste. We feel more energetic and positive when we are not around them.

This blog is not intended to advocate that we should accept everything and never complain. The idea is to start focussing on the positive. If we choose to look for the positive, there are enough and more opportunities to find it. And when we appreciate rather than complain, people feel motivated to listen to us and to improve themselves further. Also, if there is something to change, the focus should be on making it happen rather than merely speaking about it.

Do you agree ?

A pessimist is someone who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks - Michael Levine

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain - Maya Angelou

With the right attitude, you will start complimenting what you earlier complained about - Vishwanath Seshadri

Being Trustworthy

This is a sequel to the earlier blog on trusting others.

It is not enough that we trust others. We must also develop a trait of being trustworthy. Every action of ours has to be viewed in the context of whether it will enhance / retain trust or whether it will erode or destroy trust. We cannot presume that it is our birthright to be trusted. Nor can we take the trust of others for granted. We have to earn it and work hard to retain it. We should consciously put efforts and treat each new relationship as a new opportunity / challenge to create trust.

What happens when trust is diluted? Or when trust is yet not formed? Both parties (it may be individuals, organisations, nations etc.) are wary of each other and look at every action suspiciously. They may even tend to focus on the negatives, looking for evidence for mistrusting. Imagine you have employed a new servant. You would be having an eagle eye on his / her every movement. And it would take quite some time to feel reassured about the person’s character.

Various "Trust building measures" (TBM) would have to be undertaken to give comfort to the other person. Being transparent, openly communicating your position and thoughts, showing honesty, being predictable, smiling genuinely, honouring commitments, speaking truth, taking permission before entering another's space etc. are all TBMs which say that I am keen to win your trust. Saying "Trust me" repeatedly often has contrary results!!

Being trusted is a huge compliment and gives us tremendous advantages. We need to work towards earning this from every one.

Trust Me !!

I attended a training program on team building some years ago. As part of the program, we had an exercise wherein we had to walk blindfolded through a hilly terrain guided only by our team member who would give oral instructions. It was a terrifying exercise for many of us who felt utterly helpless and at the mercy of our guide. The people who enjoyed this exercise the most were the people who trusted their guides completely.

In this life, while we live in society, we have to have a lot of trust and dependence on people around us. We have to trust the milkman who brings us our daily dose, the watchman who guards us while we doze, the bus driver while we commute, our banker who holds our savings etc. Unless we trust others our own lives becomes miserable. Without trust we are always suspicious of things and people around us, always worried of unexpected problems and always stressed.

Distrust creates a negative never ending negative loop that can only be broken by introducing trust. For example, Snakes bite humans due to fear of being killed and humans kill snakes due to fear of being bitten. This has been going on since time immemorial and has become hard coded in our respective response systems !!

In contrast, when we trust others, we create a positive spiral. We indirectly acknowledge our confidence in the other persons competence, intention and integrity. This, in turn, triggers a similar outlook towards us form others and we get motivated by this and perform better. Trust is the platform on which life gets built. Relationships are nurtured and grow in strength on the base of mutual and complete trust in each other. Trust also creates a moral and mental bind on others to do as is expected of them.

Of course, one cannot keep on trusting even when faced with contrary evidence. And trust need not be complete and blind without taking precautions esp. with strangers. Having said that, we should look for opportunities to create trust and build trust. For when there is trust, life is a lot more pleasant and enjoyable. Trust me.

To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved – George MacDonald

Does it hurt when people don't trust you? Imagine how God feels - Author unknown

Few things can help an individual more than to place responsibility on him, and to let him know that you trust him. – Booker T Washington