How to Earn Respect

I overheard two senior citizens talking about something animatedly. One said "I really felt insulted when he did what he did. After all I deserve some respect. I retired as Chief of XYZ organisation and I am no ordinary guy. I still feel hurt and upset over that incident....". He went on and on. How many of us have felt similarly at some stage in our lives? We all crave for recognition and respect. And if there are instances where we experience something else, we feel hurt and brood over it for a long long time.

I remember a favourite saying heard in my childhood days "Command Respect and don't Demand Respect". I always felt that it is important to know how to command respect and this blog attempts to address this question.

In order to command respect from other, we would need to do one or more things from the list given below. This list is only indicative and not exhaustive. Moreover, it is not listed in any particular order other than how it occurred to me. To earn and retain respect, we should:

1. Give respect to others and their feelings
2. Be humble
3. Work without expectations
4. Be selfless
5. Have courage
6. Have high integrity
7. Listen more
8. Speak well
9. Deliver on promises

It occurs to me that people tend to genuinely respect only those people who live a life of values. Others may be able to create a false respect out of fear or greed but these are short lived and certainly not heartfelt. Whatever your role in life may be - whether as a boss, a friend, a mother, a teacher, a parent or anything else, in my considered view, real respect is only reserved for value based living.

What are your thoughts on this?

Embracing Values

Yesterday I read in the newspapers that B schools are planning to introduce and cover the subject of ethics in their curriculum. This thought has come about after seeing many scams that have been perpetrated by the educated professionals. I was heartened by this news as this subject is close to my heart.

I have always believed that the world will become difficult to live in unless everyone lives a life of values. Anarchy. lawlessness, violence, cheating etc. will thrive without values being practiced in earnest by people. We might progress materially but will decay in every other aspect without values guiding our lives.

Having said this, I feel that ethics or values cannot be inculcated by teaching it as a subject and getting students to learn the theory of values. People who have ethics as a subject to be passed to become a graduate might end up mugging this subject and not really understanding it or imbibing it. The very objective of introducing the subject and inculcating it might get diluted if were to be a mere topic for study.

What then is the way forward? I give below some thoughts that come to mind and hope to see it getting enriched by the comments of my readers.

1. Ethics education should begin early. Right from childhood. The parents, siblings and others who make up the child's world (core group) should be actively involved in educating the child right from the impressionable age.

2. The core group should also demonstrate and live a life of values at all times. The child who is thus exposed to value living at an early age will imbibe it and practice it.

3. Encouragement should be given to the child every time she confirms to the value living concept. She should be lavishly praised for every single example in her life which shows values. Her mind should thus get firm on living a life of values.

4. If there are errors or judgement or occasions of default, it should be noted but not excessively dwelt upon. Instead, encouragement / positive strokes should be used liberally to imbibe values.

5. Others should also be spoken of highly for the values they show. This will create an intense desire in the child to inculcate those values too.

6. Children love hearing stories and they should get to hear, see and read stories wherein the themes revolve around values. The main characters should be exemplars in this area.

7. School should also be having curriculum, methods and standards which encourage values. Yardstick for judging a child should be the demonstration of values and not success / wealth etc. acquired through unfair means.

8. Society should also be built on similar lines. People who live ethically should be recognised, appreciated and even rewarded more than others who do not follow. They are the ones who should be treated as the heroes of every society.

9. Only such people who live ethically and with values should be allowed to elect and be elected as leaders and law makers.

I think the above steps outlined gives a fair idea of how I think. I know it can be branded as impractical and impossible to implement. However, I feel that if we want a clean society, we have no option but implement the above. If we work towards this relentlessly, we will eventually achieve our objective.

I am looking forward to your views on how we can create a world for the future generations which will be a pleasure for them to live in.

Be thee modest

The other day, I had an interesting experience. I was hearing an important person speak about his organisation. Out of his allotted time of thirty minutes, he spoke for about fifteen minutes about his contribution to the growth of the organisation. The speech was peppered with "I" and "me". I could hear the audience snicker and grumble. The token applause from them encouraged the speaker to boast some more.

At the end of the speech everyone was unanimous in condemning the speaker. They wondered why he had to blow his own trumpet this way. Was it his insecurity? Or was it a wrong value system? In any case, his speech had an exact reverse effect from what he intended.


Many a times, we tend to fall in this trap. We feel that our services are not recognised and we need to publicise it. We feel that others who promote themselves end up getting all the accolades and the rewards. We feel that unless we talk about our achievements, it will be missed out or forgotten.

However, in my view, this is absolutely unnecessary. People do notice even though they may not openly acknowledge or praise the doer. Someone who is actively performing is always recognised. Modestly is a virtue that we should all cultivate. If someone praises us openly the correct response would be to down play our achievement and include others for the recognition. Such a response is agreeable and positive. The more one demurs, the more is the value given to that person.

What are your thoughts?

Give to get

A long time ago, when the barter system was prevalent, there was a trade agreement between two persons. One was a dairy farmer and the other had an orchard of apples. They agreed that every week they will exchange five liters of milk with one kilogram of apples. This went on smoothly for a few months.

One day the dairy farmer went to the king with a dispute. He said "I have been noticing that I am getting less than a kilo of apple each week. My trade partner is cheating me by giving me less than what was contracted for." The king sent for the other guy and asked him for his version.

The orchard owner said " I have been noticing a steady dilution in the quality of the milk that is being supplied to me. What used to be thick and creamy is now thin and watery. As I am getting less, I am supplying less."

This situation is not unusual. Times have changed and we now have the monetary system but people's mindsets are still the same. We all want a good bargain. We want to pay less and get more. "Value for money" is how we describe this expectation.

If everyone wants to get and none wants to give, how will trade happen? The same applies to relationships also. Unless we give, we should not expect to get anything. The more we give, the more we love, the better will our relationships be. Without giving, the relationship becomes bitter.

There is also a joy in giving without expectations. People who are generous realise that giving is indeed more joyful than getting. There is an indescribable pleasure in making others happy. When we give selflessly and unconditionally, we are creating positive circles of joy which makes the world a better place to live.

True test of knowledge

One topic that can be endlessly debated on is "what is knowledge?"

Who can be called as knowledgeable? Is it people with strong skill sets? Or is it people who have a string of degrees? Or is it people who have large number of followers and devotees? Is it the consultants / experts who command a huge price? Or is it people with depth of experience in select areas? Or is it people who hold high positions and have huge power bestowed on them?

What is knowledge? Is it the same as intelligence or smartness? Most of us often confuse information or charisma or articulation with knowledge. Real knowledge is something beyond all this. People who strut around with pride on their knowledge often get stuck for words when asked simple questions like "Who am I?". Knowledge should not be confused with ability to make a living or earn wealth.

My own thoughts on this is as follows. A person can be called knowledgeable if she knows her self. She is able to differentiate between her body and her self and likewise with others. She knows the interconnections between different forms of life. She knows how to live and the purpose of her life. She knows where she has come from and where her destination is.

The true test of knowledge is not in the ability to articulate with conviction. A person who is truly knowledgeable can be identified by her conduct. Such a person is always cool, calm, balanced and unperturbed. She is gentle with all and compassionate. She has love for all beings and is always interested in giving rather than getting. She is selfless. She upholds values irrespective of its consequences.

A persons knowledge level is known by her conduct.

Motives matter

Almost every religion & book on values prescribes people to do good acts and think positive. In order to convince people to do good, they talk about the benefits in the form of better relations with people, better environment, a place in heaven etc. This certainly is good as it encourages otherwise negative, lazy or disinterested people to do good work. We see people practicing charity and doing service etc. to others with high enthusiasm and fervour.

The Sanatana Dharma - also known commonly as Hindu religion - recommends that people do good acts without any motive. Lord Krishna says in the Bhagavad Gita that one should practice Karma Yoga or do actions without any motive or desire. The reason for this recommendation is simple - while actions are in our control, results are not. Moreover, if actions are motivated mainly by results, one can see a reversal in enthusiasm if the desired results are not met.

Actions carried out with a selfish motive are also dangerous. Selfishness usually denotes an interest for gaining something for oneself at the cost of others. As long as one is selfish, one tends to become biased and unfair. One justifies this behaviour by various methods and arguments. The other problem with "selfish good acts" is that it stops as soon as the self interest is served.

Motives do matter even if one is doing a good thing.

Stay focussed

There is a story in the Mahabaratha about Drona, the teacher of all forms of warfare. He was teaching his students on the principles of archery. He called out his first student and asked him to arm the bow and prepare to shoot a distant target in the form of a toy bird. The objective was to hit the birds eye.

To each student, his simple question, before the arrow was released, was "What do you see?". Each student said things like "I see you Sir and my fellow students, I see the sky, the trees, the bird etc." Only Arjuna, who later became a very accomplished and expert archer, said "I see only the birds eye".

The teacher used this as an example with his students to explain the importance of focus. In order to be successful and accomplish ones goals, one has to have the same intensity of Arjuna. When one is distracted by other things, it is easy to miss the target.

Staying focussed is easier said than done especially when the mind is so fickle and there are so many distractions around. Yet, champions have a special ability to de-focus from the distractions and concentrate on the core objective. Imagine a Vishwanathan Anand playing chess or a Sachin Tendulkar batting and you will realise the importance of focus.

One may be playing multiple roles in life or having multiple interests For example, one may be a student and also be a sportsperson & a budding musician. In order to be successful, one has to forget the other interests while pursuing or practicing each of these disciplines. If such a focus is achieved, one can scale great heights.

What does this have to do in a blogspot of values? Even while pursuing values, one has to have the same level of concentration, a single minded purpose and commitment in order to ensure that there are no slip ups in the journey. Being focussed on ones objective and goal is the sure way to be successful in life.

Appreciate & Encourage Values

I had read a story in my childhood which made a deep impact on me. It was about a group of boys playing cricket and accidentally breaking a window in the neighbourhood. While most of the boys ran away and hid themselves, there was one brave and honest boy who stood his ground and admitted his guilt when the house owner came enquiring. The owner was, who was normally an irritable man, was impressed with the boys sense of responsibility and truthfulness that he forgave him. I had resolved, after reading this story, that should a similar situation happen to me I will be like the boy and set an example for others.

Now when I look back I realise that, in this story, both the boy and the house owner are exemplars in different ways. The house owner is also to be lauded for encouraging the boy to live a life of values. It is common place to find people who punish people who confess thereby making them feel that honesty is not the best policy. Rare are those people who rise above the immediate temptations and focus on what is good for the long term.

It is indeed difficult to practice living a life of values in today's world. I read about a person who resolved to speak only the truth for a period of three months. He made enemies, lost friends and even strained his relations with his family by merely being truthful!! Everyone intrinsically understands and acknowledges the need and importance of values. However, people want flexibility in practice especially when their interests are affected.

It is therefore very important to have people who rise above short term needs and who encourage / motivate / appreciate people who practice values. People who live a life of values are usually not successful and walk a lonesome path. They are motivated by an inner urge and commitment. We should strengthen their resolve by appreciating them and overlooking any minor transgressions that they might make.

Do you agree? If yes, do you commit yourself for the same?

You are your best friend

Are you someone who loves the company of friends and hate being alone? Well, then you are not the only one. I can very well relate to you. Many years ago,I found myself in a foreign country on work and spent almost 18 months away from family and friends. At that time, I had felt overwhelmed by the sense of loneliness. So desperate had I become that I quit my job before the contract expired and returned back home!

There are zillions of people who crave to have someone around them and feel lost when they are all by themselves. Such people feel comforted by the presence of others near them and have the overpowering need to reach out and communicate. It is not just about talking with or hearing others but also about feeling secure and nice with the mere presence.

It is but natural that when there are two people there are many shared moments of togetherness and happiness. There are also moments of disagreements and disappointments. Two people can have two or more views on any subject leading to debates and sometimes arguments which can sometimes lead to anger or frustration.

If there is anyone who is always near you and with you, it is you yourself. You are your best friend who is never apart - even for a moment. You know yourself better than anyone else. You accept yourself as you are without any complaints or concerns. You know everything that you think and you are in total agreement with your thoughts. You seldom argue with yourself. You empathise with yourself more than anyone else. Hardly anyone can love you or care for you as much as you do.

Despite this, why do we shy away from our own company? Why do we feel uncomfortable with ourselves?

Master your senses

There is a tale in Srimad Bhagvatam on how different creatures fall prey due to their different addictions. The firefly gets consumed by the very flame it gets attracted to. Yet, it continues to literally play with fire due to the desire to enjoy the sight of something bright. The fish cannot control its tongue and sense of taste and hence gets ensnared by the hook which tempts it to bite.

Likewise, the deer is trapped by hunters by playing soft music for they know that the deers have a weakness for the sense of hearing. The bee which is attracted by the smell of the lotus gets entrapped inside and dies. The mighty elephant gets trapped by hunters by exploiting its weakness for the sense of touch. They bait the animal with a tame female which leads it to the trap.

Each of these creatures gets into trouble because of excessive attraction to one sense only. What can we say about humans who indulge each of the senses? We want to keep entertaining our eyes and ears endlessly at the cost of precious sleep. We want to keep tasting delicious variety of food /drink all the time to the detriment of our digestive system. We want to enjoy the pleasures of touch through massage etc. irrespective of the consequences. We use perfumes, deodorants etc. to pander to our sense of smell without caring for the environment.

Have we ever considered what this can lead to? Our own sense indulgence will lead to our loss. Someone who is excessively fond of hearing music will, over time, find a loss of the hearing faculty due to excessive exposure to sound. Likewise, someone who is, without rest, straining the eyes by watching TV / movies / Computer might find his eyes becoming less sharp.

Any form of obsession or excess will have its negative effect on us. The true purpose of our senses is for protecting our life and for essential activities. We must not let the desire for pleasure conflict and overtake our senses. We must not let our senses enslave us. Rather, we must master our sense in our own interest. By doing so, we will be able to control our desires and live longer healthier lives.

When we master our senses, our lives will become more fulfilling and happy.